Dear Blog,
There are many things I've been keeping from you lately. The burden is great I carry keeping such secrets from you. I feel that I have changed, morphed, into a completely new being of mother, and I know this is only the beginning. And it is. I have professed to being the perfect wife in embryo I only now feel that I am being born into an adorably helpless little baby mother who can barely keep one room clean at a time, and that room may be a closet. Since my closets aren't particularly clean, I'm searching for the right small room word to use in this sentence. Perhaps if I had cleaned the bathroom before this post I wouldn't be so desperately grasping at straws.
I feel renewed, reborn, and reawakened when it comes to such things as mopping my kitchen, running, eating, baking bread, mothering, nurturing, seeking enlightenment and meditation. I have come to new conclusions concerning baby footwear and sleep solutions. I search for something to want for my birthday this year. I finally have a schedule for my children. I'm failing at my push-up challenge. I love having two sons - something neither my parents nor my in-laws can say!
So why do I feel as revitalized as shampooed hair?
It all began when I was expecting T-bird and I knew my life was changing. I didn't know what it would be like to have a little baby, but I knew it would be very very different from life on the flip side. The other flip side, I suppose. I thought about preparation for baby. What do you do to prepare for baby besides buy stuff? I mean, these babies bring quite a bit of paraphernalia into your home from junk mail to the monstrous jumping apparatuses other parents swear you better have or you'll be ripping your hair out at the roots. Since we didn't have a lot of money to spend on said random baby items I felt like there wasn't much I could do to get ready. My last day of work came and went and I found myself walking. Walking was a sort of intangible tangible thing I could do for the little tyke. And so I did my best and he came, ready or not, like a hide and seek game I began searching for myself, finding myself in moments of peace and happiness and feeling lost in laundry, discouragement, pain, boredom and loneliness. Being a new mother is like climbing a mountain. It might be beautiful and wonderful but it's rough-going.
I read the book, I am a Mother by Jane Clayson Johnson. It started me thinking that not only about motherhood in general but about how I feel about it. As people have begun asking me what I do with my mind and if I'm bored to tears, I've started questioning my own motives. Now that both my boys are old enough to eat solids, play a little together, and sleep on a consistent routine I'm getting enough stability and rest to figure myself out. This summer we lived with family and I got to see how the other half lives. Being around others helps me to know my true self. When I was a young newlywed woman, I worked for a wealthy family in a nearby town. Being inside their home was an amazing learning experience for me. Although I hated almost every second of it and it was a poor matched job for my personality, I learned for the first time what the law of diminishing returns can look like in a family. Too much soccer, too much big house, too much mom being amazing and doing fun things can lead to unhappiness, discontent, and loneliness. Stephanie Nielson's blog has led me to question why I do the things I do and value what I value? What is true beauty? Why do anything hard and put your whole life into it if you're not going to enjoy it? How can you enjoy being a mother?
My own parents taught me beautiful lessons about family roles. They taught me to love and that I am delightful and enthusiastic. Sometimes we search the world over to discover our treasure at the finish line was with us at the start.
And so I am going to share with you my feelings about motherhood. About organization, cleaning, cooking and what it means to nurture. In turn you are going to share too! I will be hosting some guest blogger mothers that you won't want to miss!
I hope this fall will be one of turning over a new leaf. A new leaf of change or a new perspective on the beauty that is already all around us, both outside and inside.
Happy Reading!
Love,
Paige
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