When I was young I believed that marriages failed because of failure to communicate. I thought good communication equaled good marriages. Then I learned the main reason for marriage failure is selfishness. Each example of divorce I've heard of (possibly excluding mental illness) deals in selfishness. Successful marriages begin with selflessness.
That said, there is still a heck of a lot to be said for communication. Looking back at my younger self and even younger (tons younger) husband I remember playing guessing games about his likes and his reactions. I wondered what tastes, entertainment, speech, schedule and occupation he would enjoy. When I was frustrated I guessed what he must be thinking and reacted to his actions. Even with straight yes or no answers I was confused at times by his answers to my questions.
I could easily choose between selfishness and selflessness in response to things he'd say. If I chose to be offended or wonder how he dare say something that thoughtless to me, I was thinking only of myself. When I chose to look at phrases he'd say through his eyes (er mouth?) I could see that he wasn't trying to be offensive. So even in my own happiness it became apparent that selflessness equals happiness.
As far as communication goes, I learned that all actions are communications. Not talking is communicating. Take statements literally for what they are. Even if your spouse doesn't seem to mean yes, yes means yes. When you depend on it, they will speak their mind. Some things we don't like to talk about. It's okay to start small. Usually talking is a great thing. It might need to be the right timing, but speaking up concerns, money, personal challenges, questions about your spouse, and all kinds of other things can really improve your relationship.
Now our marriage is perfect, so what has changed?
I will share what I wished I knew when I was first married.
It's okay to ask for oohing and awing when you do something amazing. Even if it's something amazingly small.
Say what you want. Being in love, angry, or in a hurry doesn't give your husband magical powers of telepathy, even with that ring on his finger.
No matter what you say or do, your husband will never be your best girlfriend, or your mother. That is why you married him. Because he's the man. So let him be the man. That being said, get on the phone and use your extra 5,000-15,000 words you need to say each day to your bff. Even better, have a girl's night out, or lunch once in a while.
Just say sorry. It is much more pleasant than being mad.
Don't play competitive games all the time, mix it up with stories, games, movies and other activities that are not you versus Prince Charming.
Make a concerted effort to find couple's friends that you can double with, talk with, enjoy similar hobbies, interests, you name it with. It helps you feel connect and find your own identity as a couple, and not feel isolated in your marriage and what you are going through in life. There are plenty of people out there like you in some way.
It's not too early to make family traditions. Go ahead and have weekly pizza nights, game night, date night, Saturday activities, go to church, plan things to look forward to.
When differences arise, they don't go away. Inevitably you will have to deal with it, so calmly state why you are upset, apologize, deal with it as soon as possible. Waiting until the middle of the night when you are exhausted both physically and emotionally is not the right time to bring up your pet peeve! Some people do better talking through problems, some need time to cool off first, some like to apologize but not rehash everything. Respect your spouse's needs too. Remember selflessness.
Remember that selflessness doesn't equal a loss of identity. The more you can be yourself in your relationship the more fulfilled you will feel daily, as well as over the years.
As you can see, I had a lot to learn, and I am still learning. Being married to John has been the best part of my life. It has also been a mirror into my life. Daily life with John has taught me who I really am and what I like and need to grow and progress. These things have helped me out. What have you learned? What do you wish you knew when you first were wed?
Comments
I love your blog, it was interesting to see what you had to say. my favorite line was, "don't always play competitive games against your prince charming." I would have added in, especially settlers of Catan . . . .
unfortunately I'm not in the position to give marriage advice but someone on my mission told me, "when you get married just remember, you can be right or you can be happy."
-your favorite brother Elias
So yes, I too think positive communication is a key ingredient to a good marriage (showing any of the love languages is essential communication needed to make each other happy).
But I also learned that some things you don't need to communicate and are better left unsaid, like little things that bug you. I realized then when one thing bugged me and I told him, then it made me think of other things that bugged me. But when nothing ever bugged him about me, I knew that I needed to become more like him. So I prayed for help to have positive thoughts and never speak those thoughts and push them out the second they come. Suddenly the negative thoughts stopped coming! Hurray!