Skip to main content

Ralph

My dad emailed this to us last night.

Dear John, Paige and Boys:
I hear Ralph has come to visit. It is hard to take Grandma leaving me just to be with Ralph. He is nauseating, and has loose bowels. I can't see what Grandma sees in him, and though he makes her feverish he also gives her headaches. I try to keep her away from him but I think her attraction is that when she is around Ralph she loses a few pounds. They are really very different. Ralph makes loud noises, and is the only one she entertains in the bathroom. You will hear strange splashing noises. Then she will emerge, slightly flushed, but feeling better. You might end Grandma's infatuation with Ralph if you could surreptitiously video Grandma entertaining Ralph and post it on Facebook. I would like to be rid of the little puke. There's nothing I'd like more than to hurl him into the toilet like so many chunks of undigested food. It is said Ralph runs in the genes, rather than 1/2 Marathons like Paige. Ralph smells of bile and is a nauseous, putrescent little man who is notorious for regurgitating good food and ruining one's appetite for the same food for ages. If you see Ralph, clean him up if you can. It will leave a foul taste in your mouth, but brushing, spitting and a gentle saline rinse will make him only a nasty memory. Sorry Ralph came to visit with Grandma-I'm not saying there's any correlation, and I'm not the jealous type but I've wondered whether she left just to visit him again. After all she visited him last time she left me home alone. And to think she told me she was going to visit Thomas and Spencer, when it was Ralph all along. Well, you can't win them all. Good luck with Ralph, I love you and will be thinking of you and wishing I could take Ralph's place in your lives, but I just can't stomach it.
Love Grandpa.

Comments

Lauren vdH said…
Ooo, sad! Did your mom get sick like Spencer? Your dad does a good job of lightening up the mood :)
October 17, 2010 at 6:10 PM
Unknown said…
This is one of the funniest puns Dad has delivered.
Fortunately I did not get sick and I did not get Hemet people sick either. It was a miracle and I am proud to admit it!
My relationship with Ralph is over. I hope I never see him again! At least not while I am a visiting grandchildren-how inappropriate!
October 27, 2010 at 11:06 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Granola Recipe adapted from a Smitten Kitchen Recipe

My friend just made these and gave ME some!  I feel so honored!  They were really crispy and clustery- new word?  So I'm sharing them with you.  Love, Paige   6 c. Old Fashioned Oats 2 c. shredded coconut 2 c. Rough chopped Almonds (I pulsed in the food processor 5-6 times) 1 c. Wheat Bran 1 t. kosher salt 1 t. cinnamon Combine all dry ingredients then add these wet ones. Stir until covered. 1/4 c. Olive Oil 1 c. pure maple syrup 3 egg whites  Whip until they are frothy and pour into oat mixture. Stir until combined.  Spread on a lined baking sheet, pressing it down gently. Bake for 40 minutes at 300. Turn large portions of granola like you are flipping a pancake. (trying to keep it clustered) Bake for 15 more minutes at 300. Check to see if its golden brown all over. If there are any patchy spots. Turn the granola one more time and bake for 5 minutes.  Let it cool and crispify on the baking sheet. Enjoy. Or...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Pregnant Post by Paige about Pregnancy

Here's the belly progression: 6 Months 8.5 Months Warning! This post may contain personal musings about pregnancy. It may read like a journal. It may contain baby excitement and overall feelings of joy. So I have been stepping on things lately. Mostly toys. How is this possible, you ask? Those of you familiar with my adroit walking skills may be puzzled at this point. I know I was until I took a shower this morning. And I couldn't see my feet at all; not a hint of them, no toes, nothing, not even when leaning forward could I see anything but a belly button sun on the horizon of a large earth belly. And that is why I've been stepping on things. Thomas' toy hammer, a plastic giraffe, the zipper of John's coat . . . The loss of my peripheral vision going down is apparently complete. I can't see where I am stepping! What a frightening feeling. I have also been walking into common household objects with my belly. Doorknobs and chairs. Major medial disco...
5 comments
Read more

Myrtle Beach

Recently we moved to Myrtle Beach, SC.  It has been quite the adventure so far, including moving across the country by car and being out of our home for 9 days before receiving our new house keys.  We have been to the urgent care a couple times and the hospital getting a finger glued back together and a forehead stitched up.  We drove between storms of snow and tornadoes, safely arriving in what we Wilsons consider summer weather, but we have been told to wait until July for the real humidity and heat. Our charming house is twenty years old and very cute.  It has kitchen dining and living rooms downstairs and bedrooms up. It was getting a little awkward when we purchased our electric lawn mower online and then waited several days for it to show up. We have made new friends with our culdesac neighbors, church members, and cub scouts. One of our favorite things is our neighborhood pool at the end of our street, six houses down.  We are really happy that Spen...
Post a Comment
Read more